


it's a special death you saved

by tanyart



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 19:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tanyart/pseuds/tanyart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes courage turns against you, and sometimes fear works with you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's a special death you saved

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from [Special Death by Mirah](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9xPY0vheTY).

There is something that disturbs Jean when Eren’s injuries don’t heal. Not to say that it’s strange to see him  _hurt_ , because Jean has seen Eren bleed before, and that’s no huge worry. He’s seen Eren with broken bones and missing limbs, eyeballs smashed and ribcage crushed, and Jean still remembers in vivid detail how Eren had burned alive weeks ago. Each time Eren would always heal under thick clouds of foul-smelling steam and smoke, and he only comes out looking exhausted in the end.  
  
Jean supposes he was desensitized in the months that they’ve worked missions together so it becomes a big deal, at least to him, when he finds Eren in the back of a cart covered in bandages and his arm in a sling. He is awake and visibly in pain. Their mission had finished hours ago. There is no steam wafting around him. The absence of it makes Jean uneasy.  
  
Jean tries to put it objectively in his mind; he knows the cold chill running down his spine is fear. That’s easy. The fear is from the thought of losing Eren, who is mankind’s greatest weapon, the most invaluable tactical resource the military has. Without Eren, it would be next to impossible to protect the walls. Jean’s hometown would have fallen months ago, and Sina soon with it.  
  
It’s all very simple and clear, the millions of reasons why losing Eren would be terrifying. Jean recognizes the feeling far too often, but the anger that accompanies it is new.  
  
Before he knows it he’s jumping down from his horse and hauling himself up into the cart. His wrapped shoulder screams in protest—the consequence of a miscalculated drop—but he ignores it.  
  
“Why aren’t you healing yourself?” he asks, ignoring the scowl Eren throws at him. He reaches for Eren, firmly grabbing his jaw with one hand and turning his head with it. “You broken or something?”  
  
“Tired.”  
  
“Bullshit. I’ve seen you tired,” Jean says. He feels Eren grit his teeth, the shifting mandible and click of bone. A broken jaw. Jean lets go, sitting back on his heels and thinking until he hits upon the one thought that makes him incredulous. “Are you under orders?”  
  
Eren’s mouth twists upwards. He leans forward, voice lowering like he’s telling a secret. “No. I just feel like shit.” He gestures behind them.  
  
Jean turns around. He sees nothing but weary soldiers and more carts. Their numbers are smaller than what they started with, but that isn’t anything new. Jean glances back at Eren, who is looking down at his boots. It’s strange, the lack of eye-contact, but then Jean notices the blood on the wooden planks.  
  
There is a body lying next to Eren. A blanket is pulled over its head. Jean hadn’t noticed it before. A passing glance could have mistaken it for a bundle of supplies.  
  
“Who is that?” Too big to be Armin, too slender to be Mikasa.   
  
“I don’t know,” Eren says. “I didn’t know her.”  
  
A pale finger pokes through the moth-bitten blanket. Jean touches it. He moves the arm, which gives a little but the stiffness is setting in. He adjusts the blankets back. Not long dead then.  
  
He prides himself in being able to see through most people. Eren is one of the easiest to figure out, being everything that Jean isn’t, but _sometimes_  –   
  
Sometimes he’s a little surprised by how much they are alike.  
  
“What did she say to you?” he asks.  
  
Eren shifts in his seat, hands curling into fists. He looks surprised that Jean guessed right. “She said that I was lucky.”  
  
Jean thinks about commenting about skewed perspectives, but it’s hard to argue with a dying person, much less a dead one. “To her, you are.”  
  
“She said it wasn’t fair that I could heal,” Eren says. “So I stopped.”  
  
“Very thoughtful of you, but she’s dead now. Been dead for hours.”  
  
“Yeah,” Eren says, quiet. “She is.”  
  
And Jean knows Eren is not selfish, but Eren’s got a certain kind of single-mindedness that tends to blind him. It infuriates Jean most of the time, and maybe there is a vindictive part of him that is glad that Eren is feeling guilty, glad that Eren is seeing the consequences of heralding around outside the walls, but there’s also a part of Jean that is deeply uncomfortable, seeing Eren listless and bereft of action, even for a brief moment like this.  
  
“Is that all?” Jean asks, surprised by how furious he sounds. “You know, I’ve heard you talking a while back. Weren’t you the one running your mouth about becoming a symbol for humanity?”  
  
Eren glares at him, cheeks rising in color. “Yes. But things have changed, I was-”  
  
“Damn right they have. So you’re a symbol. Propaganda. It  _works_.”  
  
Eren starts, looking Jean over like he can’t believe what he had just heard. His eyes narrow, and all there is in his gaze is pure loathing. In a voice pitched to a dangerous tone, he replies, “It’s lying.”  
  
The feeling of being terrified returns, sharp and cold down his spine, but Jean doesn’t back down, and he can’t help if his voices rises; “It would’ve made her feel like she didn’t have to die a shitty death!”  
  
That shuts Eren up, but Jean doesn’t even have time to savor it, not with Eren looking smaller and smaller in his seat. It only makes him angrier.  
  
“You’re a symbol for mankind,” Jean says. It’s both a confession and a condemnation, and it feels like he’s choking on something, like he’s just lost a huge, long argument with himself. He feels a tight pinch at his eyes, that appalling telltale prickle. He hides it by gesturing to the body. “So start acting like one for people like her.”  
  
Eren stares for a moment, silent. His hand comes up to touch Jean’s injured shoulder, over the bloodstained coat and layers of bandage. “And for people like you?” he finally asks.  
  
Jean’s mind goes blank. He doesn’t know what Eren means. Like Armin? Like Mikasa? Like Levi or Erwin? Jean looks down the length of Eren’s outstretched arm. He doesn’t know where  _he_  fits, but he does know that Eren’s hand is too gentle, too much like he’s been a titan for too long and has forgotten how strong humans can be.  
  
“People like me?” Jean says flatly, pushing forward against the palm of Eren’s hand until the pressure makes his shoulder throb with pain and he’s sure Eren can feel his pounding heartbeat. He doesn’t flinch, and Eren’s hand doesn’t give, because Eren is just as angry, and they’re both stubborn to a fault. “You heal yourself because people like me worry.”  
  
He holds his breath, waiting for Eren to answer. Jean doesn’t even know he’s doing it until Eren’s hand presses even further against his shoulder and pushes the breath out of him slow. It hurts a whole lot now, but before Jean could make a sound, Eren withdraws his hand.  
  
“I thought,” Eren begins, as steam starts to rise from his body, “I thought you would say it’d be impractical to stay injured.”  
  
“Yeah, that too,” Jean says, suddenly weary. He pauses, glancing at the empty seat next to Eren, before he decides that it wouldn’t mean a thing if he just took it. “But I know how much impracticality appeals to you.”  
  
There’s room for Eren to shift away, but he doesn’t. His shoulder rests against Jean’s injured one, radiating an almost unbearable heat. It feels good and eases the knot of pain and tensed muscles.  
  
They don’t say anything after that. A little while later, Eren falls asleep, chin tilting against his own chest, and Jean just sits, head turned away to avoid breathing in the steam.  
  
When they return to the inner wall, Eren doesn’t even wake to the sound of people cheering, and neither does Jean.


End file.
